Dr. Quackers 🦆
An anti-therapy duck. Tell it your problems and it roasts you, in a 70s therapist's office, while billing you $666/hr.
Live: https://duck-with-no-fucks.netlify.app (deploys automatically on every push to main)
What it does
- Rude, profane replies picked by keyword (work, code, CS school, healthcare, dating, adulting and more), with rotating moods and running gags that are rationed so none gets overdone.
- A duck that blinks, talks, swivels in its chair, wanders off, balances its notepad on its head and eats it when you tap it.
- Topic memes, a "your bill is ready" pop-up, and a dramatic itemised invoice you can pay in bread, fountain pennies, your soul or (lol) insurance.
How it works
One static index.html with inline CSS and JavaScript, plus one Netlify Function. Animations use GSAP and its plugins (vendored in vendor/). Memes are pre-rendered WebP files in memes/. Hosted on Netlify; netlify.toml sets security and caching headers.
Replies for ordinary messages are written by xAI's Grok through netlify/functions/duck/duck.mjs (served at /api/duck), which holds the API key, rate-limits, and re-checks for crisis messages. If the function isn't configured or fails, the duck falls back to its pre-written lines. Crisis, abuse and sad messages are always handled in the page and never sent to the AI.
Layout
public/: the site (index.html, memes, vendored GSAP, stats.html). Netlify publishes only this folder.netlify/functions/: duck/ (AI replies: duck.mjs, plus the example lines in lines.mjs and best.mjs), track.mjs and stats.mjs (analytics).
Analytics
The page batches anonymous counts (visits, messages, AI vs fallback replies, memes, bills, Ko-fi clicks and so on) and sends them a few times per visit to /api/track, which stores daily totals in Netlify Blobs with device type and country. No cookies, no message text, no IPs stored. View them at /stats.html (unlisted, noindex).
Configuration (Netlify environment variables)
XAI_API_KEY (required for AI replies)XAI_MODEL (optional, defaults to grok-4.20-0309-non-reasoning)
Safety
The duck is a joke, not a therapist. If someone mentions self-harm, abuse, an eating disorder or hurting someone, it drops the bit, shows helplines (988 in the US and Canada, Samaritans, findahelpline.com) and stays out of character for the rest of the session.
Run locally
Open public/index.html in a browser, or serve the folder (AI replies and analytics need Netlify Functions, so they fall back or stay off locally):
python3 -m http.server 8000 --directory public
